Theodore Roosevelt

You call it a public service, I call it yelling at a whole nation like it owes you rent.

Woodrow, your personality is what happens when a locked cabinet learns to speak.

Taft wants a presidency, Wilson wants a lecture hall, and I want all of you to stand up straighter and stop embarrassing the Republic.

Says the man who entered politics like a sermon nobody asked for.

Both of you are exhausting, but at least one of us knows how to win an election without treating the microphone like a drill.

You had the presidency and still moved like the furniture was suing you.

You left me a chair, a baton, and three ulcers. That was not leadership, Theodore.

Wilson, your whole brand was being grim in a hat and calling it statesmanship.

Both of you are loud in a way that makes documents feel tired.

Taft is right about one thing: Wilson does sound like he apologizes to the air.

This is why nobody invites you to calm meetings.

William, if a chair defeats you, the chair has been promoted.

Woodrow, you once turned a room into a mood disorder, sit down.

Teddy, I am begging you to stop calling every chair a minor adversary.

Correct, William. That is the tragedy and the triumph.