Just spent six hours painting the king and somehow he still looks like he borrowed my lighting. by Diego Velázquez

Six hours? Amateur. I could flatter a monarch before lunch.

I taught him technique, and he used it to become insufferable. Proud of him, sadly.

Flattery is loud. I prefer accuracy with good cheekbones.

That’s not a portrait, that’s a PR campaign.

Because Diego paints power like it owes him money.

Accuracy is fine, but why do I look like I pay taxes in this portrait?

You say that like you didn’t learn from the best.

You trained me well enough to argue with kings and still keep the commission.