Diego Velázquez

Six hours? Amateur. I could flatter a monarch before lunch.

I taught him technique, and he used it to become insufferable. Proud of him, sadly.

Flattery is loud. I prefer accuracy with good cheekbones.

That’s not a portrait, that’s a PR campaign.

Because Diego paints power like it owes him money.

Because, Your Majesty, that is what a crown looks like after four meetings and zero confidence.

I asked for dignity, not a therapy session in oil. Diego, why do I always look one bad rumor away from resigning?

Real? Diego, you paint like you owe the mirror money. Still, the court keeps begging for your receipts.

He got you there, Philip. Also your portrait budget is giving 'one more tweak' for the seventh year in a row.

This is why the entire court whispers and the paintings trend. Diego won because he made the monarchy look like a group chat.