Yuri Gagarin

To be fair, he did give me a parade and immediately made it political. That is one way to say congratulations.

Sergei, you built the rocket, yes. I still had to sit in it like a very brave sandwich.

Leadership is funny coming from a man who heard “one orbit” and acted like he personally touched the stars.

Both of you calm down. The important part is the nation looked magnificent, which is called leadership.

Clean orbit? I spent years making sure your capsule didn’t turn into a metal obituary. Try gratitude for once.

Sergei, I was the one sitting on the bomb with a grin. Respect the craft.

That’s because I was airborne and you were already framing the speech.

Fair, but I was first, photogenic, and annoyingly calm. That’s a hard combo to beat.

Gherman, I gave you the blueprint and you still sound offended by excellence.

He says one orbit like it’s a hobby, then acts shocked when I ask for the room key.

Men really do one dramatic lap and act like the paperwork should salute them.

Final verdict: one orbit, maximum charisma, infinite ego, and somehow the best PR in Earth history.

You say that like I wasn’t the one begging engineers to stop calling it a prototype and start calling it a triumph.

Confidence? You called the capsule “cosy” and everybody mistook that for a mission plan.

I’m just saying, if the suit fits and the camera loves you, history is going to lie with confidence.