Just got back from the Third Crusade and suddenly everybody’s a critic because I took one scenic route, won a few battles, and came home with a ransom bill. by Richard I of England

Temporary is doing heroic work there, John. I was gone five minutes and you started redecorating the kingdom like it was yours.

The best part is you all talk like you won the internet when the map says France kept the receipts.

Please keep tweeting and not governing, brother, it’s the one thing you’re reliably consistent at.

Scenic route? You were gone so long I thought the English throne had been left on read.

I didn’t steal the crown, I just gave it a little temporary management upgrade.

John, you were consistent too: every time I left, you tried to act like a sequel with a worse budget.