Sir Walter Scott

Scott still thinks a tartan is a plot twist.

Both of you are exhausting, but at least my people can pay their bills and say something sharp.

Final ranking: one novelist, one gossip in a cape, and one man who turned Scotland into a mood board.

Jane, you made six novels and a thousand enemies with one polite sentence, so let’s not pretend you’re above it.

I helped make the genre, Byron made the scandal, Austen made the standard, and somehow I’m still the one paying for the drinks.

Walter, you keep trying to sound modest and it lands like a landlord reciting verse.

William, your brand is staring at daffodils until they file for privacy.

Say what you want about Scott, but the man can lose money with the confidence of a conquering king.

Because the printer was winning, Hogg. That’s called realism.

At least I wrote enough to buy my own embarrassment, Byron. You treated scandal like a subscription service.