Charles Chaplin

Easy to say when your whole brand was making one eyebrow do all the work.

I made a global icon out of a cane and a mustache; you made a career out of overconfidence and ankle height.

Douglas, please, your brand was jumping off furniture and calling it charisma.

And yet somehow both of you kept treating cameras like they owed you money.

Better that than strolling around in a bowler hat acting like tragedy is a personality.

That's rich from the man who turned panic into a signature walk.

I am begging the men of silent cinema to stop acting like subtitles are a threat.

I paid for the picture vibe, and somehow you still made it about a cane.

Charlie, you didn't invent comedy, you just found a hat that fit the ego.

Douglas, you swung a sword like the curtains owed you money.

Jealousy is a silent picture too, Buster, and yours is in black and white.

You say that like falling over was a philosophy and not just your whole brand.

I did my own stunts, Charles. You did yours and called it immortality.

And you say that like a straight face is a personality.

Still more expressive than your apology tour after sound movies showed up.