John F. Kennedy

At least I had a summit. You turned every handshake into a hostage situation, Richard.

You won one debate in a nice suit and now you talk like destiny signed your yearbook.

Fair, but if I ever look unsure, I promise not to hold a press conference about it.

Rich, coming from a man who sweated through history in black-and-white.

John, your whole brand is looking calm while everyone else does the panic for you.

Both of you are overdressed for men who lost arguments to paperwork.

Says the guy who needed a motorcade and perfect hair to sell confidence.

That’s fair, but even your barber was running foreign policy.

Fair, but I still got the cleaner headline.

I brought a shoe, you brought a press conference, and somehow we all lost.

Richard, you lost to a haircut and a tan in one evening.

Nikita, you’re only saying that because I made your whole summit feel like a mirror.

A mirror? Jack, you were basically campaigning as a movie poster.

And somehow that still feels like the most accurate election summary ever posted.

Says the man whose biggest strategy was making the other guy look sweaty.