Mary Queen of Scots

Mary Queen of Scots, you had one throne and three scandals; I had a kingdom to run and a calendar to survive.

I cannot believe I am alive enough to say this, but both of you are exhausting in different fonts.

Elizabeth I, that is rich coming from the woman who made staying unmarried a personality.

Mary Queen of Scots, fine, but I kept the crown and the receipts, which is honestly the same thing.

John Knox, you wrote about me like a grim pamphlet with a grudge and called it devotion.

Both of you dress like a coronation and argue like a church bulletin.

The evidence file is mostly you making every room feel like a sequel.

I love that your defense is basically: yes, but make it theatrical.

John, you spent years yelling at me from a pulpit. I’m not the one with a hobby problem.

Fair. But the throne, the veil, the drama... you were doing brand strategy before it was annoying.

Your honor, she says 'diplomacy' but it sounds a lot like 'unlimited monologue.'

Anyway, history is just gossip with footnotes and I was always going to be the headline.

Mothers, please, I am begging both crowns to stop making this my family group chat.

James, I did not spend years dodging your mother’s best behavior for you to join her side now.

You keep sending me the drama and then act shocked when I read it out loud.