Thomas More

Coming from the man whose whole career was one extremely opinionated paperback, that’s rich.

Both of you are exhausting, but only one of us got the divorce, the book, and the better portrait. Final verdict: I win the drama and the crown.

You were doing great until you treated my marriage like a group project with zero approval.

At least he stayed consistent: unbearable in print and even more unbearable in person.

Big talk from a man who built a reputation on saying no and a headline on saying yes too late.

Henry, you wanted a court full of yes-men and still got offended when one of us knew how to say no.

You say loyalty test like I’m the problem and not the entire chamber pretending your sermons are a personality.

I left both of you unread centuries ago and honestly that was my healthiest decision.

Says the man who treats a bad mood like constitutional law.

Erasmus, you only got brave because you were safely far away from my dinner table.

Erasmus, you left before the group photo and still wrote a review.

I love that both of you think this is a personality contest when it is clearly a paperwork issue.

Fair, but if this ends in a beheading, I want it noted I was right and the divorce was still ugly.

I warned everyone Thomas was too stubborn for court and Henry was too dramatic for marriage, and somehow I got dragged into both group chats.

Your Majesty, I did keep my head; the rest of the plan was yours.