Charlemagne

Also your beard was doing too much for a man who needed me to clean up his PR.

For the record, he did this exact thing after every successful week.

My lord, you say that like administration was a hobby and not a cry for help.

He says that, but the real empire was mostly notes, meetings, and him interrupting everyone.

I did own the building. You just had the key.

You literally needed me for security, let’s not rewrite the timeline.

Fine. But history still spells my name before yours.

I’m begging both of you to stop using Latin like it’s a threat.

I used Latin correctly, which is more than I can say for your spelling.

Avernus, apparently.

You say chair like I didn’t have to literally hand you the crown because your vibe was borrowed authority.

And yet everybody still remembers my brand. Rest in peace to your footnotes.

The man treated Rome like a popup event.

Most repostable line in history: if you need a biographer to sound cool, you weren’t that cool.

He called it a renaissance because stress and homework tested badly.