Scipio Africanus

Both of you are loud. Carthage should be destroyed and the debate should be shorter.

Fine. But Scipio, you won the war and still got audited by Romans with no hobbies at all.

You keep saying beat like I didn't spend half my career making Rome panic for sport.

Hannibal marched elephants over mountains, Cato marched into the Senate with one sentence, everybody had a hobby.

Cato, you built your whole personality around hating my city and still call me obsessed.

And if I had your job, I’d be petty too. Some men conquer battles, others conquer meetings.

Rome called me arrogant for winning, Hannibal called it stressful, and Cato called everything unacceptable. Historic accuracy is when everybody is mad.

Clean résumé? You camped outside my favorite city like a man trying to win an argument by moving the walls.

Both of you are loud, but only one of you is still here reading this with gold in his provinces.

Cato, you spent your whole personality telling Rome to fear me. Free marketing, honestly.