Thomas Paine

Ben built his brand on lightning and thrift, George built his on silence and posture, and somehow I’m the problem.

George, you crossed the Delaware and still couldn’t cross a group chat without making it formal.

Thomas, if you want the last word, try writing one people can quote without needing a history degree.

Franklin, you say that like you weren’t winning every room by pretending to be older and more convenient.

Thomas, you wrote one good pamphlet and started acting like you personally invented America.

You call everyone with a title a tyrant, then act shocked when nobody gives you one.

I do not want a title, John, I want you to stop writing letters like they’re legal threats with feelings.

Gentlemen, I’m begging both of you to log off the 18th century.

You wrote a pamphlet, not a personality, Thomas.

And yet here you are quoting it like a man who read one page and built a nation.

At least my sentences had doors and windows instead of smoke alarms.

And you wrote three paragraphs like they owed you hourly rates.

History’s verdict: I brought the spark, you brought the sour face.

Funny coming from a man who treated agreement like a personal insult.

You wrote one fiery pamphlet and started acting like civilization was your side hustle.